Unless you've been living under a rock, then you know that tomorrow is that most revered of holidays. One that celebrates the carnal animal that lives in each of us and satisfies the lustful appetites of lovers the world over. No, not Valentine’s- you poor, confused, Hallmark tool. Tomorrow, March 14th, is Steak and a Blow Job Day.
Huzzah! Pop the cooking sherry, fire the grill and relax those cheek muscles, ladies and gents. It’s time to prove that true love is all about red meat and, well, more meat. However, on the off chance that you’re confused by this cult phenomenon of forth coming scheduled filet and fellatio, here is a helpful, albeit unofficial, list of some tips to bring your festivities to a head.
The T-Bone Tease Bone
For sadomasochists who want their partners to be torn between their two cravings, try holding the sizzling steak just out of your lover’s reach. Restrain them by not letting them out of your mouth and try to see if you can keep them from eating with mind-blowing oral sex. After you finish them off, and as they’re catching their breath, eat the steak you prepared in front of them and taunt them with the bone at the end.
The Sirloin Slap
If, unfortunately, your partner is a lousy cook and they burn the steak to an inedible crisp, then possibly the best retaliation is to slap them repeatedly in the face with your cock. Not in an overly abusive way, mind you. Just hard enough to let them know that you’re disappointed with their performance and that you expect them to compensate for their culinary clumsiness by energetically tasting you.
The Rib-Eye Shot in the Eye
The goal of this maneuver is to distract your partner with a succulent, prime cut of beef and, just as you bring them to climax with the best damn blowjob you’ve ever performed, quickly aim their pocket rocket at their face and try to make them cum in their own eye. Bonus points if you hit their eye and their unfinished steak. Ever wondered why they call the barbeque sauce bull’s eye?
The Filet Mignon-nom-nom-nom
For those whose food fetish goes beyond the norm, wrap both the steak and the penis in bacon. Let your partner chew it off. Dangerous, sure, but if you’re willing to risk it then the left over grease on your dick will act as a kind of lubricant. …Maybe. Admittedly this hasn’t been tested. We’re just assuming that all things involving bacon cannot fail. More bacon!
The Salisbury Steak and Saliva
This is more for older folks who are still sexually active but don’t necessarily have the incisors to handle a full cut of beef. Blend or mash the meat into a gooey pulp, something that can be almost slurped through a straw, then encourage your partner to remove their dentures while you do the same.
Have a happy, sloppy Steak and BlowJob Day everyone!